I Want You So Bad It Hurts
by J S Arnold
Summary: When you love someone so much it hurts, you know you have it bad.
1. Chapter 1

I Want You So Bad it Hurts

1

Damon POV

I see her face every morning when I wake up but she does not sleep in this bed. I can feel her skin on my finger-tips, hear her breathing in and out, but only in my imagination. I have been imagining her in my bed beside me for a while, but I know that it will only ever be in my head. She will never sleep beside me, never feel restful with me, and it hurts. Damn it, I don't want to want her any more; I want this pain to go away, to die. I don't want to lose her but I know I will.

She's human, and as long as she's human she is already dying. She won't last another eighty years, and a century can seem as short as a week to an immortal. A week, this is all her life is as a human. Seven days, and no chances to win her heart. As long as she's human she'll stay warm and capable of hating me. As long as she still breathes she will feel emotion and she'll care. But she'll die, eventually, and I can't imagine _being_ when she did. But knowing that she does not want me too is excruciating. I hate feeling so weak and powerless, so unable to change how she feels. It makes me _want_ to end it.

I can hear her voice about a quarter of a mile away and it echoes in my head. She never mentions my name, and I can hear her lips touching Stephens - and moving against one another. I can hear him tell her that he loves her – but what does he know of love? I doubt he feels the _love_ that I am feeling right now. I doubt anyone has ever felt this burning pain and managed to stay sane, but I will try, for her. For Elena. For a chance.


	2. Elena

I Want You So Bad It Hurts

2

Elena POV

"I love you, Elena," he says to me gently, squeezing my fingers with only the slightest of pressure, "I will always." He holds my hand against his chest, and I can almost feel a heat beat beneath the layers of muscle. If only the thought of returning the sentiment didn't make my breath catch in my throat, then maybe I will reply. There is a knot in my stomach that won't loosen even if I tell him that I will love him forever, a knot which tightens with each second that I am away from _him_. I want _him_ so bad it hurts, sometimes.

I can feel a soft pressure on my shoulder, and I wonder how long my eyes have been glued to the ceiling. Now when I turn my head, I can see that he is watching me. His eyes are hooded, as if he's pondering something deeply, and he doesn't flinch now that I am staring back. There's something troublesome about the set of his mouth, and I can feel myself recoiling from him involuntarily. I don't think he even notices that I have left his embrace, because he is frozen.

'What's wrong, Stephan?'

He still won't look at me, he doesn't seem to want to blink, and remains as still as a statue on my bed. Even if he won't speak, I know already what he is thinking. It's obvious. _Damon_. I know this expression and that it can only mean one thing. The window Stephan used to enter my room tonight is closed now, but a coldness seems to have entered my room still. Maybe Jenna has opened a window downstairs... my heart is pounding in my chest. I feel a sense of dread, of _hope_, and it is spreading through my body.

I can barely feel my feet beneath me but I can see myself sprinting across the room. I can almost hear the blood as it travels through my veins, hear the trickle of it. I can feel Stephan at my heels and the pull of a dark force on the other side of the door. Whatever had this amount of power, he was passionate and more than a match for Stephan – I want him to stay away.

The coldness that I felt before is nothing compared to the bitter chill the moment I touch the door handle. It is like a premonition, and it only makes me more certain of what waits for me on the other side. There will only ever be one _thing_ that will make me feel so at odds with myself – the emotions that are coursing through me are contradictory to what I know I ought to feel. My hand is limp as I tear it from the door and step away. I want to run, but I know that there is nowhere I can go to escape him.

The door to my room shudders.

"Elena," her Aunt calls, "can I speak to you for just one moment?" and the sound of her fist knocking the door echoes around the room. Before I could have reached for the handle, Stephan is pulling me away by the back of my shirt. I almost fall backwards but his strong hands have wrapped securely around my shoulders like a vice. He is growling at the door like a guard dog and the sound is a vibration over my shoulder.

"Elena?" This time the voice belongs to Bonnie, "Can I come in, I really need your help?"

Once again Stephan has caught hold of me before I can move. Why is he doing this, can't he recognise that it's Bonnie speaking, is he really so distracted not to hear that?

"Elena?" Now the voice belongs to Matt, "Listen, can I come in? There's things I need to get off my chest... things that I can't keep inside..."

I cannot think beyond the concern flooding my thoughts. Matt has always been there for me in the past when I needed someone to talk to, and now it is my turn to comfort him. I can feel the smile on my lips as I open the door wide to let him in.


	3. Damon

**Damon**

I'm ready to mimic Alaric's voice when she opens the door wide. It's Stefan that my eyes land on first and I smile. He looks irritated. Good. Have I interrupted something?

I smile at her and she smiles back. It should have been impossible for her to be more radiant than she is normally, but apparently not. She is beautiful, stunning, and not mine. Yet. I have to remember that – she's not mine _yet_. Soon she will be my queen, and my brother will deal with it. I give my most brilliant smile and watch his teeth grind. It's a beautiful sight.

Elena looks as if she hadn't expected to see me, her perfect lips slightly parted in surprise, but at the same time I notice that she doesn't shoo me off the first time she sees me. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a bit too easy. I'm bored.

"May I come inside your exquisite home, Elena?" and my voice is as sweet as I can make it. She doesn't even blink, but instead steps aside in a way of accepting me. Stefan growls at a level that I can only hear but I ignore him – it's not him I've come for. I smirk when he catches my eye.

"What do you want, Damon?" Stefan asks abruptly once I find a place to lounge.

"What I always want, of course." I don't smile now. "Elena darling?"

The door closes heavily behind me and I hear her sigh. She sits across from me and positions herself so that her cleavage is on full display. I don't know if she's doing this on purpose to try and lure me into a dastardly trap, but to be perfectly honest I don't give a damn either way. I have a memory of steel, this will stay with me for a while.

"Yes...?" she replied gravely, already with guards up against me.

"We've got a dance to go to."


	4. Elena24

**I do not own the vampire diares  
**

**Elena**

Damon's smile is faltering a bit as he waits for me to respond. I can feel my heart drumming in my chest, my breathing slightly more shallow than a few minutes before, and the thoughts that feel like shards of glass to my brain. It should be an easy decision because I'm sure I know where my loyalties lay - with Stefan - but nothing is ever as simple as picking sides. My choice has the potential to break a heart.

If only he didn't make me want to agree to anything he said. I don't want to leave Stefan, but I don't know how I would feel about fighting Damon to stay – I don't know if I will ever have the strength to resist him. I ask myself what's wrong with me but there is no reply. _I don't know what this feeling inside means._

"Elena, love," Stefan's voice is as harsh as a winter wind, cutting through the tense atmosphere like a steel blade through snow, "You don't have to go," he paused almost indistinctly, "if you don't want to."

And there it is, the stab of despair to my heart. Yes, I know I don't have to go – not if I don't want to. I know I have a choice, but not if I have enough backbone to make it. A choice between two brothers. Katherine's choice. My choice. A never ending circle of decisions that would change so much. I know it's just a dance, and that we're not talking about lives here. Just a dance, but also a battle between heart and mind. My mind whispers _Stefan, _but my heart pounds loud in my ears. _Da-mon. Da-mon. Da-mon._

"What kind of dance?" I can hear myself asking.

"A ball, a gowns-and-suit ordeal. Black and white." he smirks as he reads my face and the desire the word _Ball_ evokes at my very core.

"If that's all, Damon, I ask that you leave," Stefan says tightly, his control slipping on the last word and a quiver entering his voice. I've not heard him use that tone before, but I know how to stop a situation before it explodes.

"If that's all it is, a dance, then yes I will go with you." I am surprised myself how easily the words come to my lips; I know this _is_ what I want to do.

Damon smiles charmingly and holds out a crooked arm. He tells me in a murmur, "I am going to give you a night you will _never_," he wraps his strong arms around me, punctuating the words with a flick of his tongue, "_ever_ forget."

Stefan has not made a sound, eerily silent, and I find him gone when I turn around. I see a door at the back of the room clicking closed and in the hallway there is the sound of heavy footsteps moving fast, of running.

I jump at his touch on my shoulder. From just behind me Damon whispered that he has a dress waiting in one of the bedrooms, but I can barely feel or hear a thing. I feel more consious of the tingle left on my skin in the wake of his fingertips, and more certain than ever that he could do anything to me and I would not mind.


End file.
